Chris McNoir: Private Eye
by GoldEmblem
Summary: The year is 1952. And Chris McNoir is given a task to uncover some weird stuff. It's just your typical Film Noir Alternate Universe starring Chris McLean as Chris McNoir.


Disclaimer - I do not own Total Drama in any shape of form. All rights belong to Teletoon, Cartoon Network, Fresh TV, and whoever is part of the show.

Note - This is a prompt for a Writer's Bingo. The prompt is of course a Film Noir Alternate Universe prompt so expect some weird stuff going on.

All inspiration was taken from SpiderNoir from that new Spiderman: Into the Spider Verse movie.

* * *

"Name's Chris McNoir," a voice said. "Private eye..."

Chris McNoir, a man with a fedora, detective's coat, and overall detective's clothing sat at the bar. Black and white to be exact.

"I'm just your typical detective," McNoir said. "Maybe an private investigator even. Eh, what's the difference?...The point is this. I'm drinking my life away in a bar...in black and white."

Chris scooped a shot down his esophagus.

"Yuck, bitter," McNoir stated. "Sometimes I wish alcohol wasn't so spicy. Like seriously, holy sh*t."

McNoir grimaced at the taste of the shot.

"I used to be a big thing," McNoir said. "I take down evil organizations. I get paid. I take down drug dealers from behind those dark alleyways. I get paid. I take down Nazis. I get praised and paid. Big time."

McNoir took down another shot.

"But that's all in the past," McNoir noted. "And now I'm just drinking my life away...that was my plan at least. Until I got a visit from an interesting female."

McNoir was silent in this world of black and white.

"Yeah, that female," McNoir noted. "Called herself, Blaineley. What kind of stupid name was that? I ask myself that everyday..."

McNoir was in his office as he said those words.

The bombshell that appeared before him though. She was...well, frankly, she was a hottie. Color and stuff like that, you couldn't tell in a black and white world. Blaineley was hot. And that's all McNoir could think.

"...For a lady with a stupid name...holy sh*t," McNoir noted. "She was smoking."

"What did you just call me?" Blaineley looked at McNoir with a raised eyebrow.

"Just monologuing," McNoir noted. "What can I do for you Miss Blandley?"

"It's Blaineley," Blaineley flatly told McNoir.

"Right...what can I do for you?" McNoir asked.

"I need you to undergo an investigation...I want you to...well simply put it, spy on a man I know," Blaineley told McNoir. "His name is Josh. Businessman."

"...Josh, what an unusual name," McNoir noted. "Who the hell in this world name's their son Josh?"

"...Enough with the names, can you do it or not?" Blaineley asked.

"...For you babe, I can do anything," McNoir gave a wink. "...yes, I still got it."

"You can also stop monologuing now," Blaineley frowned.

* * *

"Year is 1952," McNoir noted. "And I'm my next job in the career...dig some dirt on some guy named Josh. Miss Baloney thinks this Josh guy is having an affair with a pussycat. And boy, do I want in on that action. Sadly...I need the money. So I gotta concentrate."

McNoir was walking down the street.

"Josh lives by Wowonokwo Cafe," McNoir spoke to himself. "Apartment 432. That's the coordinates Miss Balcony gave me. So obviously, I went there."

McNoir began climbing a ladder that led to the different windows of the apartments of the buildings.

"You know...I wonder why the hell these ladder gateway things were made," McNoir noted. "It's just so simple for catburglars to sneak into a man's apartment like this."

McNoir sighed as he reached the possible apartment that Blaineley had led him to.

"Well, this seems to be the place," McNoir noted.

McNoir peeked in the window to find a handsome half-naked man and ready to enter his bed.

"...Sometimes the worst part of the job is staring at what people do on their free time...I've seen it all," McNoir narrowed his eyes. "Husbands cheat on their wives with a middle-aged model. I bet this one won't be any different."

McNoir peered closer and noted a shadow that began to come out of the bathroom.

"Oh honey, I'm ready!" Josh yelled as the shadow loomed closer.

"Another affair?" McNoir asked himself. "Gee, sure wish this got a lot more interesting."

The shadow that McNoir noted to be looming closer...came closer until a big reveal.

"Wow...what a hot...huh?" McNoir was confused.

...

Turns out the shadow belonged to a cat. An actual cat.

And that cat hopped on bed with Josh as Josh purred at the cat.

"...What the hell is this," McNoir was silent before sighing and taking a few pictures.

* * *

"I knew it!" Blaineley yelled, staring at the pictures McNoir took. "I knew he loved his cat more than me!"

"...You never told me it was an actual pussycat," McNoir sighed. "What the f*ck is wrong with you?"

"Ugh, I can't even!" Blaineley yelled, throwing the pictures at McNoir. "First thing I'm going to do is give that man a piece of my mind..."

And with that, Blaineley stormed out of the office McNoir was in.

* * *

"And with that...Miss Planeley broke up with her boyfriend, husband, whatever their relationship was," McNoir shrugged. "I don't give much f*cks for little details...except the fact that Miss Bally forgot to pay me...crap sticks."

McNoir sighed.

"Oh well, the year is still 1952...and I need a drink," McNoir shrugged. "Chris McNoir...signing out."

* * *

And that's all folks!


End file.
